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Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
This is hilarious….
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese