None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
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we’re dead?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
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