When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
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Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.