Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
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[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Don’t touch that.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
and now we wait
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this