I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.