[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
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Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁