Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
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My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
that de-escalated quickly
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?