Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
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Okay
I’m sure it’s fine.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.