*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
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Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?