“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
You Might Also Like
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair