Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
True.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
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Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?