Software Development ⛵️
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Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers