The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
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Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
*me flirting
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.