website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
You Might Also Like
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Quit coffee and now I鈥檓 like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
The kids won鈥檛 stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
therapist: so what鈥檚 troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we鈥檙e just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire鈥檚 kid didn鈥檛 just ask how many years she鈥檚 been 8 for
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
This is my emotional support knife.
Kids: We鈥檙e bored!
Me: Why don鈥檛 you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
#PleaseGoToChurch 馃槀馃槶
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I鈥檓 a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.