My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
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I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is