I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
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Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
bias laundering edition
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”