GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
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I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Okey dokey.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
TODAY
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Worth remembering.