Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
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ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
can you read it!!??
maan!
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Not😆🤣
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I’d love this…lol
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.