Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
A dad and his duck
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit