The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
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Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Only short people can save us
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.