“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
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I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I wish I could veto my bills.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.