The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
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I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Found the job I’m suited for
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news