COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
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“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Cake safety first. Always.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
#parenting
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Seems a bit forward
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”