[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
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Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.