My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
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“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner