People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
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Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there