Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
You Might Also Like
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Only Americans understand
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok