teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
first you must answer his riddles
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.