Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom