date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
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Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.