911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
You Might Also Like
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
*pronounces fake like saké*
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.