Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?