Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
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You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”