Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
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“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats