7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
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Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”