“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
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The answer is funnier than the question
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh