Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
You Might Also Like
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.