“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
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If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.