Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
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Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow