Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
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Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.