My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
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Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
“TGIM!” – My liver
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Dietest Coke
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I saw this ending much differently.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.