When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
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I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…