[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
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Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Well, this certainly took a turn
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
It do be feeling this way.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Finally, a door that understands me
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do