My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
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I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen