“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
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Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.