I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
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My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?