god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”