I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
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The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”