Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
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FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Beware…..
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot