i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
i made a craigslist ad !
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Simple enough.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes